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Joke of the Day

"How do you trace a scatter plot? You give the pencil to Michael J. Fox."

"I've really got to stop being so anti-semitic... or else I'm going to get audited soon"

"Why do you hold your hand flat above your eyes when you look into the distance? Because when you would cover your eyes with your hand, you wouldn't see sh*t. I'm lame."

"Why do they call them rapeseeds? It's not like the flowers ever consented."

"Instead of playing FarmVille I just send blank email messages to myself and then delete them."

"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it."

"A boy asks his mother a question Boy: ""Mom, why's my cousin named Jasmine?"" Mom: ""That's because your aunt likes flowers."" Boy: ""Mom, what do you like?"" Mom: ""Oh, be quiet Richard"""

"The nice thing about being a girl is OH MY FUCKING GOD THERE'S A BAT IN THE HOUSE, HONEY, GET IT! GET IT!"

"""Is this your resume?"" Yes ""It just says you used to leave shit at your friends' doors, ring the bell & run away?"" Yes ""Welcome to UPS!"""

"I guess it's time to face the reality that I just do not want to rock and roll all night. Nor do I wish to party eva-ree day."