177253

Joke of the Day

"LIFE HACK: If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you"

"Police arrested two kids yesterday. one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one, and let the other one off."

"If the universe were not absurd, would it make sense? squid"

"Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth."

"What do you call a tattoo of the most commonly used English letter on a scientist's penis? A logical phallus E."

"Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife's friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids."

"I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy."

"First they came for the verbs... First they came for the verbs, and I said nothing because verbing weirds language. Then they arrival for the nouns, and I speech nothing because I no verbs."

"[funeral] He looks so natural. Ya, but he looks a little stiff. *raises from the dead* ""That's what... *gargle* ...she said."" *dies again*"

"[writing own obituary before going to the zoo just in case] ""his hatred of lions was well known and dreamt of fighting one two of them"""