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Joke of the Day

"People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father."

"Hi I'm Dan, welcome to identity theft club *from back of room ""me too"" ""me too!"" ""uhhh, yeah me too"" Ok, we're off to a great start guys"

"If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me."

"3yr old: [whispering] I have a secret ""What it is, sweetie?"" 3: [shouting] I POOPED! ""Do you know what a secret is?"" 3: [whispering] no."

"So Trump says he picked a bunch of great people to run the government... But honestly, I've seen better cabinets at IKEA."

"I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls."

"How'd the preacher catch A.I.D.S. in Africa? Missionary style."

"Being a hitman is very lucrative I make a living and a killing off of it"

"Did some Doomsday Prepping today Have enough food for 71 minutes"

"I hope the Olympics has taught kids and parents that in real life you do not get a trophy just for participating."