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Joke of the Day

"I don't know how to do my own taxes or understand how the stock market works, but definitely listen to my political opinions on everything"

"I just called. To say. I texted you."

"Man has sex with a can of beans. He was porkin' beans."

"Last night my wife said that our bed had seen better days. She's right. When she stopped at her mum's last week, I had a threesome in it on Monday and Tuesday."

"[gun goes off] [every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race] ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway"

"the best part about being a tornado chaser is when u catch one it is extremely fatal"

"What happens when two self-driving cars crash into each other? *RECALCULATING....*"

"For the English Q: What do you say to someone who appears to have done irreparable harm to themselves despite multiple warnings to the contrary? A: U.K. ?"

"I'm jealous of all the people that haven't met you!"

"[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle] ""lmao yo who invited the lightweight"""