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Joke of the Day

"Everytime we have sex my girlfriend wants to pretend to be a teenager. I tell her, ""Be patient. You'll be one soon enough."""

"I once dated a woman who was half-Chinese, half-Haitian. She did Voodoo acupuncture."

"[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?"

"""I am"" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ""I do"" is the longest sentence? Holy shit this blew up"

"What does a gay horse eat? Dick."

"What did the zero say to the eight? ""Nice belt, fuckface."""

"What does Tupperware and a sealion have in common? They both like a tight seal."

"I saw some nudity on TV last night... I just sat there shaking my fist. I was furious."

"House doctor and my family are looking at me like I'm retarded. Note To Self: Cats land on their feet...not babies."

"Listen up, guys Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it's also a checklist for anyone about to propose"