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Joke of the Day

"If I got kidnapped I'd continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I'd die but at least they'd suffer too."

"What do you tell someone who constantly uses the word ""of"" instead of ""have""? Fuck of"

"So I bought some shoes from a guy on the street... Anyways he turned out to be a drug dealer, and I'm not sure what they were laced with but I just keep trippin'."

"Aliens who abducted a drunk Russian gave in... and let him drive for a bit."

"*Getting a tattoo* Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you're using a regular pen on your spare time?"

"What did the furniture salesman say when he wasn't happy with his haircut? Its a chaise lounge."

"iPhone, if you correct ""harass"" to ""caress"" one more time you'll be held responsible for this generation's sex offenders."

"What kind of shorts do clouds wear? Thunderwears"

"Why did the horse fail German? Because he could only say, ""neighn!"""

"I found a wallet today and as a good Christian I thought ""what would Jesus do?"" ... so I turned it into wine."