175181

Joke of the Day

"I got a new book and I can't seem to put it down. That's the problem with slathering one's hands with rubber cement before touching things."

"Tweeting and grocery shopping don't mix. I've been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone's baby."

"It's not working out because we like different things. For example, I like quiet evenings at home, and she likes someone else."

"I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands."

"How do you start a powerful woman's movement? Laxatives."

"My girlfriend is half my size but takes up three quarters of the bed. If my math is correct, she's a bitch"

"4yo: let me smell your eyelashes! Me:...ok 4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face? Me: this is how nightmares are born."

"[dentist giving me a filling] Me: guh uh hag a hogreg? Dentist stops: what? Me: do you have a boyfriend?"

"Lauren's coming over. ""Lauren from work or the one who pretends to be a Dr?"" Lauren: Sorry I'm late, I removed a gooblyglop from a dinkis."

"FACT: The internet was invented to globalize complaining."