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Joke of the Day

"9 years ago I asked the girl of my dreams out on a date. Today I asked her to marry me. She said no both times."

"Maybe it's the PCP, but have you guys noticed that flaming dude that floats around your head in a bubble shaved his mustache?"

"The future Someone asked me the other day if I could see where I would be in 5 years. Come on man, I wear glasses. I don't have 2020 vision."

"Are you Russian? Cause I'll be Putin my dick in your mouth tonight. (Don't use as a pick up line doesn't work)"

"Joke from a 5 year old kid: how come dinosaurs don't talk? me: ...why? kid: because they are all dead. source: stolen from Brian Reagan's standup."

"Why did Josh Gordon marry Mary Jane? So he'd only get a 2 game suspension for abusing her."

"What's the hardest part to eat when eating a vegetable? The wheelchair."

"What do you call a woman-hating masseuse? A massage-onist."

"aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out"

"What do you put on big rusty boobs? Double D 40"