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Joke of the Day

"See you later masturbater Afterwhile pedophile"

"What doesn't belong in this group, A lobster, an octopus, a crab, or a chinese man under a bus? The octopus, obviously, the three others are crustaceans."

"I contemplated suicide earlier. Then I thought about homicide. Finally I thought f*ck it, I hate crosswords, I'm off to the pub."

"Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have."

"What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a boner? I don't have a Lamborghini right now"

"When did Sean Connery get to Wimbledon? Tennish."

"I don't go to Applebee's often I know how to microwave my own meals"

"It's SO ADORABLE when my kid's fish sleeps upside down. Because that's what it's doing. Sleeping upside down. At least until I go to Petco."

"When I say I'm as sober as a judge I mean Paula Abdul."

"Why did the hospital put all of their gynecologists on salary? Because the ova time was killing them."