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Joke of the Day

"*lost in China* Friend: ask that man where we are Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sen F: well? Me: we're in China"

"Did you ever blow bubbles as as child? Yeh well he's back in town and wants your new number."

"Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that."

"Can someone help me, I can't remember,,, Did Sarah Jessica Parker get an Oscar for Sea Biscuit?"

"I'm excited for the zombie apocalypse so I can trap famous dead celebrities and make the best Broadway show ever assembled."

"""Ducklings are baby ducks,"" I say as I set the appetizer on the table. ""Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."""

"Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas. Him: I was gonna get lingerie. Me: Trust me. VS won't have your size. Him: Me: *jazz hands*"

"Can a ninja throw a star? Shur-He-Can"

"Tesla Motors started a brand of cologne. They call it Elon Musk."

"""I have to take a shit, play Stairway To Heaven."" - Radio DJ's"