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Joke of the Day

"Threesome? No thanks If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents."

"My girlfriend came out of the shower and said ""I shaved down there, you know what that means?"" I said, ""Yeah the f*cking drain is clogged again."""

"Elon Musk's new MasterCard Ad. Getting a person to Mars?: $100,000. Getting them back?: Priceless."

"Why are most weather forecasters men? Because when they promise a foot, you know you're only getting three inches."

"What do you call an Italian that has taken Viagra? Al dente"

"INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? SLOTH: *Points to another part of the building* Around there maybe"

"'Dad, how do you feel about abortions?' Why don't you ask your sister? But I don't have a .........oooooh."

"My dog and I have a system together. We both eat, then we walk... Then we both shit in my neighbors lawn."

"DRUG DEALER: what'll it be man ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please [at the surveillance van] DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs"

"Once you've mastered being a surgeon... ... operating just become an exercise in patients."