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Joke of the Day

"Rioters are breaking into antique music stores across the country damn Luters."

"Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you're about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you"

"Last night I had a dream I was a muffler... And woke up exhausted"

"My wife showed me her baby photos. She said, ""Here's one of me when I was 3."" I replied, ""Wow, and there's me thinking you were like a fine wine."""

"What is the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Deer nuts are under a buck."

"Why is a frog luckier than a cat ? Because a frog croaks all the time but a cat only gets to croak nine times !"

"[at heaven's gate] God: Tell me why I should let u in Me: I've never made anyone look at my baby's ultrasound pic God: You can have my bed"

"I was recently diagnosed with prostate cancer and my doctor said it was caused by browsing /r/funny."

"Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something."

"How many dead babies does it take to change a lightbulb? More than 4, because my basement is still dark."