173503

Joke of the Day

"Okay body wash, unless you're caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the ""energizing"" claims. You're soap."

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but you have to get them in there first."

"Just accidentally used ""then"" instead of ""than"" and now I know what it feels like to be imperfect! Weird!"

"What is love? You just sang ""baby, don't hurt me."" In your mind didn't you?"

"my 2 yr old today: Mom how'd you get past the cognitivie dissonance of having me even tho climate change will render the world uninhabitable"

"Two men walk out of a bar, both are drunk and ready to fight! One draws a line in the dirt and says to the other man, ""If you cross this line i will punch you!"" That was the punchline."

"My psychologist said that I am losing my mind, and I don't agree. I'd say that my mind is losing me."

"Anybody else miss a time when if you REALLY wanted to show a pop idol you loved them, you assassinated them? (ATTN Bieber fans)"

"I don't understand it, my new book How to Overcome Your Addiction to Shoplifting' is sold out everywhere, yet I've not made a penny."

"Trump is blaming Sanders for the violence at his rally... Because you can't truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for all your problems."