173090

Joke of the Day

"My kids don't drive me to drink. Can't wait until they get their license and they can though."

"ME ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you ? My Wife... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!"

"*weighs self* ""Shit"" *takes clothes off* ""GODDAMMIT"" *takes tampon out*"

"You know what would be a hilarious prank? Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job."

"I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one"

"My girlfriend asked me if I liked getting pissed on..... I said,""yes."" She said,""urine for a treat."""

"I saw a lady texting and driving today... I was furious. I rolled down my window, and threw my beer at her."

"An ultralow frequency sine wave radiates into a bar. The bartender says, ""Hey, why the long phase?"""

"Why did the Mexican man push his wife off the cliff? Tequila."

"[doctor's] INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc? DR: Your tests are all clear IM: Is that good? DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I'm not sure"