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Joke of the Day

"cute girl just saw me try to walk and drink water at the same time so dating her is off the table now"

"[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That's not true"

"When you cook duck you should always add a little bit of goose It makes a game out of every bite."

"Such a hassle that you have to rob a skier before you can rob a 7-Eleven"

"There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else's house."

"1. Go to seminary. 2. Get degree. 3. ??? 4. Prophet."

"Two muffins in an oven... ...One says to the other, ""Blimey it's hot in here"" The other screams, ""AARRRGGGHH, a talking muffin!!!"""

"""She's not THAT pretty."" is girl code for ""She's so pretty and I hate her."""

"What does Elvis say when he gets an infection that standard antibiotics can't treat? MRSA!"

"What's the fastest way to get away from Hell? Piss off Satan's wife."