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Joke of the Day

"""Well, I guess I'll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I'm not supposed to while you get irritated."" Drunks & toddlers."

"Americans! Chasing the American Dream doesn't count as exercise."

"TIL that there is an exotic instrument only select children can master. Apparently the Fogle Fiddle has been around since 1977, who knew?"

"How to impress your ex: 1. Get rich 2. Get more attractive 3. Get a tiger 4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex"

"What do you suppose broke this window Mr. Holmes? It's a limb entry, my dear Watson!"

"If Romeo & Juliet didn't die and were allowed to marry, they'd have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other. So it was a happy ending"

"The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work."

"Bitches be misusing helping verbs."

"So Hitler was helping Anne Frank with her homework. She was having alot of trouble with it, so Hitler said ""It's ok Anne, you just need more concentration!"""

"If you start smacking people with your wife's purse she won't ask you to hold it for her anymore"