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Joke of the Day

"[Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn."

"To the first person who took their picture with their phone at the bathroom mirror, you are a pioneer. We salute you."

"I feel like we really lowered our expectations of what constitutes magic when we began using it to describe markers"

"Why do ducks try to avoid eating out? They're always stuck with a bill."

"Why did the condom cross the road? Because he was pissed off."

"{At the art museum with my newborn son} baby: dada? Me: it's impressionist you stupid baby"

"Squirrels are like cigarettes. They are completely harmless until you stick one in your mouth and light them on fire."

"Knuckle Tats (I) (H)(A)(V)(E) (W)(A)(Y) (T)(O)(O) (M)(A)(N)(Y) (F)(I)(N)(G)(E)(R)(S)"

"TIL: A second is called a second because it's not first."

"Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was just actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn't wanna share."