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Joke of the Day

"[Showing a friend around the house] Me: And THIS is where my 5 yr old eats his popcorn. *motions to area covered in popcorn."

"When Miley Cyrus gets naked & licks a hammer it's ""art"" & ""music"". But when I do it, I'm ""drunk"" and ""have to leave the hardware store""."

"Where did the little Japanese girl go when the little boy dropped by? Everywhere."

"She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity."

"I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific."

"The guy who stole my diary has died. My thoughts are with his family."

"If April showers bring May flowers, what does May bring? The pilgrims."

"What do you call Charlie Sheen in a wheelchair? ROLAIDS"

"What did the CPU say to the RAM? Sorry to cache you out but I want the data closer. The RAM replied: you're right, ""life"" is too short."

"So I had an unplanned talk with my 13 years old son about masturbation yesterday... I told him it was a perfectly natural thing to do and that he should knock before he enters my room."