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Joke of the Day

"{At the art museum with my newborn son} baby: dada? Me: it's impressionist you stupid baby"

"My 8 year old brother's best joke. What animal will you always see at a resturant? A DINE-O-SAUR. I think my brother is a future stand-up comic."

"What happened to the little frog who sat on the telephone? He grew up to be a bellhop!"

"""Ok, so you love kids and a clean house? Really, you don't drink but you like to drive?"" Me, interviewing the perfect sister wife"

"Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section."

"What did the mom say to her son when he said he didn't want any of her flippin' pancakes? Fine. They will just be burnt on one side."

"I heard somewhere that... You only remember things that you read, is that true?"

"So a waste depository is where you put the waste you never want to see again... And /r/funny is reddits largest humour depository."

"I have caller ID for the front door. If you don't call me first, I am NOT answering the door."

"What if you get to heaven and God is like ""Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"""