170209

Joke of the Day

"Canada plans on removing the polar bear from the Tonnie. And replace it with two gay deer, it's called two fucking bucks."

"Grocery produce aisle ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots? CLERK: No, why do you ask? CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?"

"dear teenage me, it's the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don't kill yourself it's actually pretty fun"

"Just saw a sign for a suicide helpline on the back of a bus. Wouldn't it be a lot more helpful if it was on the front?"

"> Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn"

"I'm still on my first marriage, and... Wait, that sounded very negative, as if I don't expect this marriage to last. My current wife hates it when I talk like that."

"Patient: Doctor! Doctor! I think I'm addicted to Twitter! Doctor: Sorry, I don't follow you."

"Legend has it that if you don't look a coworker in the eye they won't stop to tell you about their weekend."

"*Whispers, spitters are for quitters. ~Wine tasting, you pervs!"

"Slightly over half of marriages end in divorce... ... the rest are fatal."