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Joke of the Day

"The female praying mantis devours her male within minutes of mating, whereas ... the female human stretches it out over a lifetime!"

"1. Rent storage unit 2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue 3. Place bodies in storage unit 4. Stop making payments 5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever"

"I thought I saw Bradley Cooper but it was just every poem ever written formed into a beach sunset with amazing hair"

"What did the German clock maker say to the broken clock? Ve haff vays of making you tock!"

"You guys know that dude Jesus? Yeah, I heard he was a real thorn in the Romans' side"

"I love the smell of fabric softener through the outside vents when people do the laundry. I get a lot of restraining orders though."

"Why are female schoolteachers always so angry? They have periods every half hour!"

"She was like ""wrong hole"", so I said ""adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn't knitting quilts Velma"", long story short I'm still single."

"When do cops blow up and destroy shopping centers and Walmarts? During Black Friday."

"Recently my girlfriend has got into equestrian bdsm Last evening she asked me to watch her whip, then watch her nay nay"