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Joke of the Day

"You know what they say in the tire industry? Have a good year!"

"What language do bill boards use? Sign language."

"What do you call social networking for magical creatures? Faebook."

"The wife said she's leaving me because she's sick of doing absolutely EVERYTHING for me. If you're wondering why she's typed everything' in capitals,it's to emphasize the point."

"My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says ""declined"" whenever you use it."

"My decorating style is calculated placement of sentimental things around the house, so after I die, my husband can't get laid."

"You have tattoos and curves? *unbuttons pants* You're also batshit crazy? *takes off pants* You listen to Paramore? *puts on clothes*"

"*deletes fb account* *leaves social media* *goes to Himalayas* *pigeon comes with a note* *opens note* *candy crush request* *dies*"

"Praying: It's like wanting to help without actually having to help"

"The Seattle Seahawks play calling."