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Joke of the Day

"This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when the blonde said to her boyfriend ""Is it true that if you pull your finger out I'll sink?"""

"According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate."

"Me: *staring into mirror* Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary *skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink* SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50"

"I was astonished to learn that the meat in Subway was slaughtered in a traditional Muslim way. I mean how the fuck do they fit a rucksack on a cow?"

"1940 I met my first love. 1942 I met my second. Then I met my third at 1948. It's been a hectic evening."

"Why does noone listen ever to the guy who talks with his mouth full? He is so misunderstood."

"I had some Taco Bell the other night. Shit was spewing out of my ass at 88mph. Now everyone at school calls me Doc Brown."

"RT = Retweet. PR = Paraphrased tweet. MR = Mangled tweet. Please know which one you are doing and use accordingly."

"Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27."

"What's better than a gold medal at the Paralympics? Working legs."