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Joke of the Day

"Packing my daughter's prom kit...lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I've uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone."

"What's the best part of living in Alabama? You don't live in Mississippi."

"You know the difference between 2 dicks and a joke is? You can't take a joke."

"Sir, on a scale, How much do you weigh?"

"Just went to a dance for mentally handicapped people It was basically one big slow dance."

"7y: mummy, how long have you been married to daddy? Me: 7 years 7y: how long have you got left?"

"How many women does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None... They just sit in the dark and bitch about it."

"My book on tantric sex finally arrived. Damn thing took ages to come."

"My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg."

"At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music"