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Joke of the Day

"""Hello Mr. Ress, how have you been?"" asked the psychologist. ""I feel as though people use me as something to fall back on."" he replied. ""And why do you think that is, Matt?"""

"Sometimes I wake up feeling like I figured something out, only to realize it was gibberish. My latest invention was ladders on airplanes."

"On talk shows, whenever the celebrity guest takes a casual sip from their branded mug, I like to imagine it's full of blood"

"The best thing about the airport is how me staring at your tits isn't creepy in your country."

"I don't get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary."

"Why did the Polar bear struggle in geometry class? Because the teacher was a Cartesian bear."

"I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90's TV"

"all my dance moves look like i'm trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second"

"The impossibility of accepting the offer of a quick drink without first pretending to check your watch"

"What do you call an American Drawing? A Yankee Doodle."