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Joke of the Day

"Texted Mom a question & she didn't answer right away. I'm going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine."

"Which director is Hollywood's darling? Michael Bae"

"UPS guy just acted like he'd never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat."

"I've made my decision. I can finally say that I'd like to have some kids. Trust me, I know I can raise then right. Does anybody know where I can find some goats?"

"What's speed of sex? 68 because at 69 she needs to turn around."

"ME: I cant make it in today BOSS: again? why M: my car died B: that's the same excuse you used yesterday M: yeah but today's the funeral"

"So I just saw the music video for Radioactive, and if you think fighting stuffed animals is weird... ...Imagine Dragons."

"Ben Carson: Health care is not a right. Trump: We're not gonna just let people die in the streets! Carson: Oh you're so hippocratical!"

"Yo mama so old That she's still carbon dating."

"Reading texts you sent when you were drunk is like terrifying digital archeology."