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Joke of the Day

"I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help."

"If your phone fell in a toilet, you would... 1995: ...leave it, toilets are gross Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW"

"What do you get when you cross bears with salmon? Cannibals."

"Jennifer Aniston's dance scenes as a stripper in ""We're The Miller's"" are totally Oscar worthy. Oscar is my nickname for my penis."

"I have to start remembering my passwords, I have renamed the dog so many times he just looks at me with disgust now."

"If you're in Los Angeles and lost your wallet near the Starbucks on Melrose I found your wallet but not the $58 inside it."

"The Nationwide commercial didn't make me feel anything but I once dropped my chicken nuggets and cried for an hour and forty minutes."

"I don't know how I feel about masturbation anymore... On one hand, it's pretty good. On the other hand, it's a little awkward."

"What's the similarity between Michael Jackson and a raped Middle Eastern woman? They got stoned to death."

"No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with"