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Joke of the Day

"Why did ancient Egyptians love beans? They made Tootin' Common."

"So sick of musicians telling lovers in songs that they'd give them stuff if they only had it to give. That's too easy, assholes."

"What is long, hard, and full of seamen? A submarine."

"What's the difference between a boy scout and a jew? The boy scout comes home from camp."

"Fact: It's not masturbation if you use a puppet."

"I'll say it again: It's no fair that black people get the entire month of February, while fat people only get a Tuesday."

"[commercial for Facebook] *man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars* ""Don't you wish there were a better way?"""

"GUY: are u in the 1% ME: more like the 2% GUY: well that's still great ME: [wondering why this guy's so in to milk] it's pretty cool I guess"

"[At the job interview] ""Why did you leave your last job?"" ""They took a vote."""

"I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren't allowed to talk about what they did at work all day."