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Joke of the Day

"Stalk your awful ex on Twitter, Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll. 'Tis the season to be bitter. Troll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll oll."

"Protip: If a party guest says ""I don't dance"" what he's really telling you is ""make my drinks stronger please""."

"Just ran over chumbawamba with my car at 80mph Lying Bastards!"

"Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor ""Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth."

"Rain drop, drop top... Getting fucked by a fake horse, that's /r/clopclop"

"1. have a child 2. never mention it on facebook 3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos"

"A deer walked out of a gay bar and said... I just blew ten bucks in there!"

"Them: Pleasure to meet you. Me: Give it time."

"I don't want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing."

"On the one hand, when I masturbate, I feel like I'm cheating on my wife... ...but on the other hand, I don't."