164546

Joke of the Day

"Starting to carry a clipboard at work just to let folks know I'm not fucking around about shit anymore."

"I can't come into work today *cough* I'm really sick. ""Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?"" *hangs up*"

"If sex with three people is called a threesome and sex with four people is called a foursome, I guess now it's clear why everyone calls me handsome."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Candace ! Candace who ? Candace with love !"

"Affirmation or irony? Yes."

"What did the blind man say to the deaf man? Nothing. Because the blind man can't fucking see him and even if he said something, the deaf man wouldn't be able to fucking hear it."

"I've been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut. ""There's more to it than that"" they say. Whatever."

"Knock Knock Who's there ! Caitlin ! Caitlin who ? Caitlin you my trainers tonight I'm wearing them !"

"Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat! Cat nurse, excitedly: I've got this."

"I couldn't put it off any longer, at the mall to shop for Christmas presents. Christ, what was I thinking... I came here sober."