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Joke of the Day

"I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. I thought He's trying to pull a fast one."

"[job interview] ""Tell me about yourself"" *flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests* I'm a risk taker"

"Some Warning Labels are a little retarded, like on my Deodorant it says, ""Avoid Contact with Eyes""....TOO LATE, I've already seen it!!!"

"What has two legs and bleeds profusely? Half a cat."

"How does the beer brewer get around with a broken ankle? He hops."

"Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said ""Oh look, 12 new followers!"""

"Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I'd push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing."

"A boyfriend asks his girlfriend: ""What gift would you like to receive during the St. Valentine's Day?"" ""Well, I don't know"" she answers shyly. ""OK, that I give you another year to think about it..."""

"Why were the Middle Ages called the Dark Ages? Because there were too many knights."

"Boss: Lunch meeting, let's go. Me: Do I have to? Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol. Me: *moonwalks to the car*"