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Joke of the Day

"Me: [bursts into wife's meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED! Wife: Dave, I'm at wo- Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7"

"HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE"

"I don't mind showing up to work But this 8 hour wait to go home is bullshit."

"And Jesus said unto Peter, ""Come forth and you shall receive eternal glory"" But Peter came fifth, and won only a toaster."

"Viagra won't make you James Bond.. ..but it will make you Roger Moore."

"My kids had head lice once so please don't tell me about your home invasion..."

"I don't want to spoil my autobiography for you. But at the end, you find out that you've just wasted 4.99."

"What was the stressed out toddler diagnosed with? Diapertension"

"I think I start my day angry because I'm forced to see myself naked."

"Why do anarchists only drink herbal infusions? Because proper tea is theft."