163363

Joke of the Day

"Since Walking Dead isn't on I've hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I'm shooting them with paint ball guns."

"I went to a party at Paris Hilton's place last night. The party was fun but now I feel hungover. I tried to take some paracetamol but Paris-ate-them-all. hew hew"

"Arguing with a greased up Asian... Can be a slippery slope."

"Q: What did the tie say to the neck? A: I think I'll just hang around."

"[traffic stop] Officer: Ma'am, do you know why I pulled you over? Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I'm guessing the aquarium called?"

"JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I'll let u go free ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY"

"Serious question: can orphans watch PG movies? After all, they don't have parents..."

"Sex with me is a lot like gun control. Some of you want it, but we all know it's not going to work down south."

"I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don't have to get out of bed to get them a drink."

"Dear Kanye West, Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately"