163023

Joke of the Day

"My wife made pancakes but they were totally lumpy and it's like, do you even sift bro?"

"You ever notice most Ford vehicle names are more fun when you put ""anal"" in front? Probe, Explorer, Excursion..."

"There was a fight outside a chippy the other day.... ... a poor cod got battered"

"Anyone else feeling solipsistic? No-one?"

"Someone turn off the internet I'm trying to sleep"

"Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance"

"Roses are red. Violets are blue. I have schizophrenia. And so do I..."

"Who was the only president that was not guilty? Lincoln. He was in a cent."

"I once read the directions on the back of my shampoo bottle. It said to wash, rinse, and repeat. They found me passed out in the shower four days later."

"I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her."