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Joke of the Day

"""Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe"" -straight up killin' it at this parenting thing"

"I think my chemistry teacher is anti-semetic He asked me to find the pH of the final solution."

"What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bath? One has hope in her soul..."

"I inform my 4 year old that she's going to a friend's house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we're going 6000 times."

"What do waiters and prostitutes have in common? Just the tip."

"Micky and Minnie Mouse get Divorced The Lawyers says to Micky: ""so you're getting a divorce because Minnie's crazy you say?"" Micky replies frustrated:""No she's not crazy she's fucking goofy!"""

"Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday? He's trying to age disgracefully!"

"What do you get when you drop a Hawaiian pizza? Pearl Harbor pizza."

"50 cent declares bankrupcy... he hasnt got a dollar to his name"

"So a guy calls into work and says, ""I can't come in today, I'm seeing spots."" ""Have you seen a doctor?"" ""No, just the spots."""