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Joke of the Day

"A girl called me up, she said ""come over there's nobody home"" So I went over, but there was nobody home"

"As an atheist I don't receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say ""may God have mercy on your soul."""

"*stares into the abyss* *abyss pretends it's doing something on its phone*"

"How did the unqualified harp player get into the orchestra? She pulled some strings."

"No offense, but I'd only circle half the globe to be with you."

"What's a zombie's favorite snack? Fritos"

"I noticed my wife was reading a book that was titled ""The Silent Wife"". I immediately asked ""That's fiction, right?"""

"I just took a huge shit. I don't know who it belongs to, but I took it."

"Why are fish so thin? Because they eat fish!"

"One of my oldest friends is my receding hairline... We go way back."