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Joke of the Day

"what is a female journalist returning from India famous for ? Banged up abroad!"

"ME: i'm having a lovely time tonight my date: why do u keep yelling ""ME"" before every sentence"

"I'm not interested in your cat unless it's on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid."

"[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard* ME: no not again *she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*"

"Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? Because it was stuck in a crack!"

"mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!? [flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift's ""Love Story"" in the car on the way over] me: Yes"

"Why is it easy to arrange for private yoga classes with a teacher? They are flexible."

"Two fish swim into a concrete wall... The one fish turns to the other and says ""Damn""."

"By the power vested in me by this vintage merlot, I now pronounce us husband and wife. I may now kiss the bottle."

"TIL that the current chinese president Xi Jinping, has a PhD in English literature. That's why the Chinese people call him ""The Great Reader""."