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Joke of the Day

"What did the man do after being found guilty of sabotaging the moonmission? He Apollo-gized."

"My weed stash is like the Koran... If you burn that shit, you'll get stoned."

"I just bought a very tiny amphibian for a pet. It's my-newt!"

"World War III will happen when Jason Statham kidnaps Liam Neeson's daughter."

"[traffic stop] COP: where ya headed? ME: on my way home COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat* ME: look at me when I'm speaking to you"

"""Yes I understand that's your face, but it's also the place where I need to put my butthole."" - Cats"

"*watches a house fall on you* *steals your shoes*"

"hey tomorrow you could be hit in the head by a block of cheese so frickin live ur life today before you have to wear ice on ur head tomorrow"

"I just dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!"

"There's an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy. And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too."