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Joke of the Day

"I haven't seen my mom in a while My mom decided she'd rather be a man. Then we stopped seeing her much; That tends to happen with transparents."

"I hate how everybody is acting like they love this new pope so much and they're such big fans but probably can't even name 3 of his songs."

"""You can't have your cake and eat it too"" People that don't know how cake works."

"[taking baby's shoes off & examining the soles] ""Oh look, completely clean. It's almost as if you were carried everywhere."""

"My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions."

"I went for a ride on my Vespa and nearly got hit by a Prius. That would've gone down in history as the gayest wreck EVER."

"[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon] HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!"

"What's the difference between cowboy hats and tampons ? Cowboy hats are for assholes."

"Of course he's a ""jolly"" rancher. He's herding candy. I'd be fucking delightful if that were my job."

"Nobody gracefully gets out of a beanbag chair."