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Joke of the Day

"A vulture is boarding an airplane carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess says, ""I'm sorry sir, there is only one carrion allowed per passenger."""

"9: Mom! Where's my Spiderman costume? I want to wear it to the science museum ""In your closet, why?"" 9: DUH. To attract radioactive spiders!"

"Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework Me: -holds up yellow Me: What color is this? 4: McDonalds The end"

"A Frenchman is buying a bread stick and the cashier asks.. ""are you okay carrying this loaf?"" to which he replies ""baguette""."

"If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly."

"Jill: Have you read the Bible? Jack: No I'm waiting for the film to come round."

"Sometimes I drink to cure my malaise. If I get drunk this Friday because I am bummed about the end of the world, am I getting sauced because of Mayan-aise?"

"""I think we should-"" Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other's sentences! Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter"

"Have you seen www.usedmatch.com? Yes but I didn't find it striking."

"A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?"