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Joke of the Day

"The key to a great tweet is attention to detale."

"Why couldn't the anthropologist find any Lomekwian tools? They were looking in Oldowan places"

"Called my Doctor, in a panic, serious difficulty ""passing"" urine. Turns out, it's just that I drive a shitty mini-van."

"What's the difference between a bull and a Samsung Note 7? I'm not scared when the bull charges"

"K: 1s(2)2s(2)2p(6)3s(2)3p(6)4s(1) Or you can write it in noble gas notation as [Ar]4s(1) and all of those numbers argon. (OC)"

"I lasted 1 hour and 30 seconds while having sex last night... Thank you daylight savings!"

"As a child I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog. Courtesy of Gary Delaney"

"[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon] astronaut: ""we should've taken our own"" astronaut holding net: ""just keep looking"""

"You know what they say about vasectomies... There's a vas deferens between the good ones and the bad ones. Thought of this yesterday, probobally done before but whatever"

"My Girlfriend told me that if I bought her any more stupid gifts, she would burn it! So I bought her a candle!"