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Joke of the Day

"[getting a checkup] DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day? ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH"

"Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from? Neil: I dunno where Buzz: the moooon haha .. .. *single gunshot* Neil: uh Houston we have a problem"

"[creation of bats] God: stretch out that mouse"

"What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common? They both fly around Uranus and wipe out Klingons."

"NOBODY TELLS ME WHAT TO DO! Except my government, boss, his wife, my girlfriend, my parents, my doctor, friends, neighbours, their dogs..."

"What do you call a Mexican Super Saiyan Fajita"

"Two whales are at a bar... The first whale turns toward the other and says, ""ooooooOOoooooooOOOOOOOOooo!"" The second whale says, ""Dude, you're drunk as fuck."""

"If we were really supposed to give up alcohol or Lent, they wouldn't have put St. Patrick's Day in the middle of it."

"I wish MacDonalds would hurry up and put the MacBook on the dollar menu already."

"So my friend told me that he has been constipated for the past three weeks... I'm pretty sure he's full of shit."