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Joke of the Day
"""Okay, just gonna check Twitter ONE MORE TIME and then I'll get back to work."" - me, always"
Next Joke
"Muhammad Ali in 1974: Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee Floyd Mayweather in 2015: Run like a chicken, hug like a bear"
"MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have? ME (through tears): A...a friend"
"Why did Bob get 'Emo' Grass for his lawn? Because it cuts itself."
"[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle] Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop. [puts in earbuds]"
"My headphones stopped working before the warranty... I'm taking them to cord over this!"
"Cop: Maybe it's your driving. Maybe you're drunk. Me: Maybe it's Maybelline."
"What's the difference between karate and judo? Karate is self defense and you make bagels with judo (Jew dough)."
"[Wedding] ""...to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?"" [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]"
"If Pokemon had a national holiday, what would it be called? Ash Wednesday"