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Joke of the Day

"It doesn't bother me when people tell me my dick is a joke. But I love it when they can take a joke."

"Say what you will about pedophiles... ...but they do slow down in school zones!"

"My 6 yo just chugged a bottle of water in 30 seconds. Now I'm fearful of her college days."

"If you've ever written a Yelp review of a Starbucks, I can help you kill yourself if you like?"

"My boss wants to take me to lunch... I ask him, ""Where do you want to go? Are burgers cool?"" He said, ""I'll eat pretty much anything, except for fish."" I reply, ""Your poor wife"""

"Waiter: Is Pepsi okay? Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am *coke storms off angrily*"

"What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball? Gag."

"[NSFW] How do you mount your virtual girlfriend? With a hard drive bae."

"SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert JESUS: Oh yeah I can't wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy"

"Catch 22: Husband said if I quit Twitter he would pay for a boob job. But if I had huge jugs I would get tons of new followers. Sigh."