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Joke of the Day

"We've run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops."

"Snapbacks Popular amongst those with brittle bones."

"Why did the chicken cross the beach? To get to the other tide"

"I raped myself today. It sucks being a schizophrenic hermaphrodite."

"wife: Why didn't you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?! me [stops jumping]: You would have said no"

"Did you hear the one... about the blind prostitute? You really had to hand it to her."

"What did the manager of a log cutting company tell his employees when they were working too slow? Chop chop."

"I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I'm going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride. *adds humanitarian to resume"

"[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot's asleep"

"How do lesbian couples celebrate their anniversary? By eating out."