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Joke of the Day

"Just walked by the place I had brunch last weekend and one of my friends is still sitting there talking about herself"

"Me: I couldn't eat another thing. Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some."

"I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision"

"How does Donald Trump tie his shoes? In little knotsies."

"When the imaginary zebras start sawing off your legs, it's time to lay off the hard stuff."

"[used car] ME: my credit's bad SALESMAN: k ME: i'm a criminal SALESMAN: no law against that ME: i'm on the run SALESMAN: then you need a car"

"At first I didn't like my new haircut but it slowly grew on me."

"My aunt's ex-boyfriend's mailman's brother said it on Facebook so I don't think any further research is necessary."

"What's the difference between an epileptic oyster-shucker and a hooker with diarrhea? One shucks between fits, and the other fucks between shits."

"The more time you spend with your lover, the more you become like them. That explains why I'm so childish."