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Joke of the Day

"When I'm at a friend's house & there are snacks, all I'm thinking is ""How do I eat everything without looking like a homeless person?"""

"Why do black people only have nightmares? Because we killed the only one with a dream."

"I have stopped debating with master since the day ... ... I subscribed /r/nofap. Got to keep up with the community."

"The woman next door was flashing me from her upstairs bedroom . How she got her car in there I'll never know."

"*takes cat from pocket of doctor's coat & holds it over patient* He has finished his scan. He says he doesn't like you & you have cancer."

"Why don't blind people bungee jump? Cause it scares the fuck out of the dogs"

"Me: You can't honestly expect me to believe this house isn't haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here. Realtor: Those are windows."

"My ex owned a parakeet. The thing would never shut up. The bird was cool though."

"Donald Trump comes from the future There will be hell toupee"

"I have a contact lens problem. I have no contact lens solution."