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Joke of the Day

"Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you're happy and in love... Maybe I was in jail."

"My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven't even seen me in bed yet."

"Did you hear about the theft at the babysitter convention? The police ended up searching every crooked nanny"

"what's your plan for this rap battle? ""just keep rhyming his name till he can't recover"" dope, here he comes *in walks a giant orange*"

"It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours."

"Falafel is a weird name cuz I actually falgreat every time I eat one"

"Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator."

"Why did the hipster cross the road? To get to a place you've probably never heard of."

"Q: What famouse Arkansas State Supreme Court decision is Hilary Clinton famous for? A: If you divorce your wife in Arkansas is she still your cousin?"

"I wish some people could actually see their personality when they look in a mirror."