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Joke of the Day

"What do they call soda in Rome? Pope."

"There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them."

"Did you guys hear about the scarecrow who won the nobel prize? Apparently he was out standing in his field. When asked about how he won he said, ""hay, it's in my jeans."""

"You say ""potato"", I say ""This isn't working. I think we are unhealthy together and you scare the shit out of me. Keep the cat. He hates me."""

"It's so cold this morning I had to seperate my dogs poop into two seperate bags and use them as hand warmers."

"Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life. I need sex to help my sex life, not food."

"What gets larger every time I see my Girlfriend? My credit card bill."

"85% of the time I spend in a bathroom stall is spent waiting for the other person in the bathroom to leave."

"I told my boss I couldn't come into work because my anal glaucoma was acting up. I just couldn't see my ass there."

"Why are Subway footlongs only 11 inches? Because Jared likes his meat in smaller buns."