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Joke of the Day

"Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can't figure out how to return it."

"OK, time to put up the tree and spend the next six weeks scolding the cat for playing with the dangly remarkably-cat-toy-like ornaments."

"If I was a candle... ...and somebody dumped a bucket of water on me, I'd be quite put out."

"Surprise sex is the best sex. Unless you're in prison."

"Why was the ghost late to the halloween party? He had to take a sheet."

"I used to be addicted to soap It's okay I'm clean now"

"People always ask me why I procrastinate.. They say, ""you know, the early bird gets the worm."" I just respond, ""yes, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese."""

"What is comedian and former MTV show host Tom Green's favorite brand of pen? Uni-Ball"

"What can I eat in the evening in front of the TV that wouldn't make me fat? Fingernails. XD"

"My 8 y/o memorized my 12 character password that has upper and lowercase letters, numbers and symbols but can't remember to flush the toilet"