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Joke of the Day

"Cop: can u describe your attacker Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms Cop: u just described a seagull Me: he took my chips"

"Wife finds her husband watching tv Man yells, 'No don't do it!' Man yells louder, 'Don't do it, you idiot!' Wife asks, 'What are you watching?' Man says 'Our wedding tape.'"

"I was making Ewok for dinner but I cooked it too long and it was like, a little Chewy. -- (Wil Shipley)"

"What is hard to get from Straight men? Straight answers about relationships."

"Amy's baking Co. Has just designed a gaming system It's called the Xbox one"

"What country has the highest concentration of pool players? Irack."

"""OH MY GOD YOU'RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I'M A DOG TOO"" - dogs"

"What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels."

"I don't care about heaven when I die I just want to know which words I used the most and how many bears I unknowingly walked by &other stats"

"I would never buy a BMW, they're too cheaply made. I mean, they don't even come with turn signals."